The holidays are here...yay...

I've got the holiday blues once again. It's like this feeling of blah mixed with eh with a little bit of ugh all gang up on me at once all the while I'm trying to gather the smiles I've saved in my back pocket and mash them up to make one big happy smile camouflage so that no one asks "what's wrong?". 

What's wrong?  I can't even fully answer that because the list is long. It's a long and painful list that I've gotten accustomed to just ignoring as best as I can.  I think I've done a pretty damn good job at it. The holidays aren't amusing for me. They aren't festive. They aren't rich with anticipation. There's no planning. There's no cooking. No family or friends to make new memories with. For me, the holidays are a time where I feel every single void in my life all at once and I just attempt to act "normal" and just live vicariously through the Facebook pics and stories from my friends.

The crazy thing is that I haven't always felt this way. And even when my mom worked during through holidays... I was still happy. She would always cook up a storm for Thanksgiving. Always looked forward getting a free turkey from some supermarket. My mom would cook so much that she'd just send food to our neighbors. Rice and beans,  macaroni au gratin, conch, turkey, salad, fried plantains, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes... I mean it was really just the two of us but you couldn't tell her anything. Here's the kicker: all of this would be made just for her to put some out for herself in a little bowl to take to work later on in the evening.

It's been 15 years since I've shared a holiday with my mom. It's been 12 since Jay and I shared a holiday. Although now I have my son...I haven't been able to give him any of the holiday festivities.  We haven't made any memories. No traditions of our own. That's also a void I feel. I can't do what I want. I can't fill the void(s). I'm grateful for his temperament, though. Nothing really bothers him much. He's satisfied with the bare minimum. But I can't continue to ignore my own unhappiness.

Of course this is just the tip of the iceberg concerning the contributions of my annual holiday funkfest.  I can ease on down the list of voids that assist in keeping me camouflaged during this season but eh.  I guess I'll end this like I always end my holiday rants... "Next year will be better, Tish. Next year."

Ok...

nine months into Orlando...

wow, seven months have gone by since my last post. shame on me. no really. i shouldve been blogging more to help get the clutter out of my brain and also to document what's been going on (and not going on) since my relocation to Florida. i'll try to do better. so where should i begin? i guess i'll start from the beginning. what made me decide to pick my child up from the only home environment he knew (which really wasn't ours to begin with) and relocate to another state... what made me decide to leave all that i knew behind to start anew in Florida... what was i running from... what was i running to... what were my expectations... what pushed me over the edge... UNCOMFORTABLE COMFORT ZONES!!! it's been just about nine months since our move. my son LOVES his school and teachers. He LOVES being in Florida and considers himself a lifelong Floridian. I love the ambiance, the greenery, the lakes, the palm trees, and just the laid back nature of things out here. That hustle and bustle life in NYC isn't for me anymore. I'm not where I'd like to be as yet, but baby steps are in order. NOt to mention I serve a mighty God. With a flick of His wrist, a blink of His eye, a snap of His finger... He can allow so much to manifest in my favor. So in the meantime I wait on Him. But that wait, tho.. Lord, I want and need to be independent. NOt of you but of others. Help me. COme through for me. For us. You see what's in my head, in my heart. You even see what I can't see. YOU'RE a GOD of suddenlies. Change life for us for the better in a SUDDEN move of our hand. It's time, Lord. It's time.

Lord, can you hear me?

As much as I try to see the brighter side of things and situations going on around me, sometimes I can't help but to feel really helpless. Helpless, vulnerable, lonely, insufficient, and unsatisfied. That's a lot. "Give it to God and He'll handle it"... "Cast your burdens on the Lord"... "Let go and let God"... those all sound good and I do believe that "God can and He will"... but sometimes, there's just that feeling of hopelessness that creeps up and grabs hold of me. Although it may only last a few moments, I can still acknowledge the feeling. I know life is way more about the things I want to do and see. Life doesn't revolve around me and my simple needs and wants. So much is going in the world even as I type this. The world revolves. It rains. It snows. The wind blows. Global warming is in effect. Animals are becoming extinct. Volcanoes are active. Diseases are mutating. Powers and principalities. Government. Famine. Persecution. Refugees. Drones. Life. Death. It's all on-going. Every day and night, something bigger than me is happening in the world. Thinking about all of the the things going on everywhere in the world right now temporarily shifts my focus away from what's going on (and what's not going on) in my life. So, as I briefly told you a blog or two ago... I have relocated to the Sunshine State. The City Beautiful. Orlando, Florida. It's about to be two months since my move and I can honestly say... I'M RESTLESS. I'm grateful to God for giving me the strength to JUMP out of my comfort zone (as uncomfortable as it was) to a new environment and new experience but I already want more. It seems like I'm praying and practically begging for God to help me get to a place in my life that shouldn't be such a struggle to get to. Who doesn't want to have their own home or car? Their own way of providing for their families? Their independence? WHO DOESN'T WANT THAT? And why is i that I can't have it yet? I've done practically everything that I know to do and yet, can't experience the independence that others take for granted. And it's not even that I want to be independent from God. I just want to live a happy and successful life. I'm grateful for having this outlet. You don't want to bombard people with your problems when they have problems of their own.I'll just continue to pray and seek encouragement. I'll do my best to remain in a positive mood and be careful to not allow negative vibes to change my mood. I didn't relocate to Florida in vain. I didn't move away from familiarity and comfort because I had nothing better to do. I moved for a different experience, a new life, and freedom. God sees my heart and knows my desires. I take comfort in knowing that He has placed the desire to want more into my heart. I won't be satisfied until the life I see in my thoughts become a reality. And I know that I can't even begin to imagine the greatness the the Lord has for my life but with the limited imagination that I do have, I imagine so much more that what is at the moment. Let's go, Lord. I'm ready for my desires to be fulfilled!

Welcome to Orlandoooooo

Ok, so we moved to Orlando, Florida two weeks ago. Yeah, big move. I can't really write about the experience right now but a new blog will come soon. Right now, my cousin Wesley and I are on our way to get this paperwork done. Jordan and I are about to become official residents of Florida.  We'll be New Yorkers for life, tho. For life!
Thank you, Lord, for guiding us through this process. Thank you for the strength and courage to leap this way. You know my heart and my intentions. You know everything, You see it all. This is a new beginning, Lord. In asking that You remain by our side and pour out Your grace on us. Grace, mercy, and favor for Jordan and me today and everyday.
Thank you Lord!
Amen

Happy Mother's Day

For me, Mother's Day is just like any other holiday. I make a few calls, reply to mass texts, read everyone's posts on Facebook, and I chill. This Mother's Day wasn't any different. I noticed a lot of people went all out yesterday for the mothers in their lives. How nice, lol. I'm not hating. Ok, I am hating. Just a little bit. Just enough to write about it. I miss my mom and I miss celebrating her. And no one fusses over me on Mother's Day. It doesn't feel special for me. Yeah, I get a few texts and balloons from my little one... but that's just it. So, I just chill at home... bored... and scroll through Facebook and live through everyone else. Maybe next year I'll go away for Mother's Day. My son and I can spend the weekend somewhere we've never been and just enjoy each other. Don't mind me... I'm just a little... blah.

11

Job Andre
12/08/79 - 04/23/2004

You died in my arms in front of our friends and family 11 years ago today. I haven't mentioned what today is to anyone who was there that day. I'm sure they've moved on with their lives. Not that you weren't a significant part of their lives, but unfortunately... life goes on. I don't know if anyone relives the events that took place that day, but I do. Not just on an anniversary.  It happens often. Sigh. I can't help but wonder what life would be like had you lived.
A part of my heart belongs to you forever. The rest of my heart has taken quite a beating.  It's been tough but it's ok. I believe that God is merciful... He'll allow my heart to be completely healed in the hands of a man who is after His heart, like you were.

I love and miss you.

Thank you for loving me and thank you for everything.

Chachou

Love?

Single people. Single people who no longer want to be single. . . I have a few questions for you.   What do you want? Is it love, companionship, financial security, your ego stroked? What is it? And why is it so hard to find? Do you really, really know what it is you want and need? Or is what you want limited to someone's physical attributes? I mean seriously, how long will you settle for something that isn't what you want? Why endure the misery of settling? Are you dating just to date? Just to have something to do? Is the picture you paint of yourself on dates different from the picture you see in the mirror when you're at home, alone? What are you masking? What are you covering up? What void are you filling temporarily? What do you expect?
Single people. . . Do you know, I mean really know what you want and need? I mean, everyone wants the basic generic qualities. . . But what else do you want from someone? What can you live without? What won't you tolerate? What do you deserve? How do you know what it is you deserve? Have you ever had what you deserved?  Are you shallow? Are you materialistic?

Just a few questions I gave this morning. I'm single, so I'll be answering them as well.

In my thoughts.