It's been 14 years since my mom passed. 14 holiday seasons of feeling blah and going through the motions. 10 years since Jay passed. 10 single holiday seasons. Jordan is eight. I've had to put my bah humbug feelings aside and make the holidays memorable for him by any means necessary. He's a kid and kids should enjoy the holidays. But dammit, I want to enjoy them just as much. I don't want to feel blah during such a festive time. I want to have family dinners. I want to kiss my husband underneath the mistletoe. I want our family to have and create new memories. I want all of that and more and until that happens, my holidays will always feel incomplete... to me.
Jesus is the reason for the season, I know. And God is love. So, I want my love. I want the three of us to live life and maybe one day we'll become the four of us or even the five of us. Who knows? I know that I need my husband in our lives. We're missing out on our memories and our love.
Happy Holidays...I guess.
