The holidays are here...yay...

I've got the holiday blues once again. It's like this feeling of blah mixed with eh with a little bit of ugh all gang up on me at once all the while I'm trying to gather the smiles I've saved in my back pocket and mash them up to make one big happy smile camouflage so that no one asks "what's wrong?". 

What's wrong?  I can't even fully answer that because the list is long. It's a long and painful list that I've gotten accustomed to just ignoring as best as I can.  I think I've done a pretty damn good job at it. The holidays aren't amusing for me. They aren't festive. They aren't rich with anticipation. There's no planning. There's no cooking. No family or friends to make new memories with. For me, the holidays are a time where I feel every single void in my life all at once and I just attempt to act "normal" and just live vicariously through the Facebook pics and stories from my friends.

The crazy thing is that I haven't always felt this way. And even when my mom worked during through holidays... I was still happy. She would always cook up a storm for Thanksgiving. Always looked forward getting a free turkey from some supermarket. My mom would cook so much that she'd just send food to our neighbors. Rice and beans,  macaroni au gratin, conch, turkey, salad, fried plantains, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes... I mean it was really just the two of us but you couldn't tell her anything. Here's the kicker: all of this would be made just for her to put some out for herself in a little bowl to take to work later on in the evening.

It's been 15 years since I've shared a holiday with my mom. It's been 12 since Jay and I shared a holiday. Although now I have my son...I haven't been able to give him any of the holiday festivities.  We haven't made any memories. No traditions of our own. That's also a void I feel. I can't do what I want. I can't fill the void(s). I'm grateful for his temperament, though. Nothing really bothers him much. He's satisfied with the bare minimum. But I can't continue to ignore my own unhappiness.

Of course this is just the tip of the iceberg concerning the contributions of my annual holiday funkfest.  I can ease on down the list of voids that assist in keeping me camouflaged during this season but eh.  I guess I'll end this like I always end my holiday rants... "Next year will be better, Tish. Next year."

Ok...

nine months into Orlando...

wow, seven months have gone by since my last post. shame on me. no really. i shouldve been blogging more to help get the clutter out of my brain and also to document what's been going on (and not going on) since my relocation to Florida. i'll try to do better. so where should i begin? i guess i'll start from the beginning. what made me decide to pick my child up from the only home environment he knew (which really wasn't ours to begin with) and relocate to another state... what made me decide to leave all that i knew behind to start anew in Florida... what was i running from... what was i running to... what were my expectations... what pushed me over the edge... UNCOMFORTABLE COMFORT ZONES!!! it's been just about nine months since our move. my son LOVES his school and teachers. He LOVES being in Florida and considers himself a lifelong Floridian. I love the ambiance, the greenery, the lakes, the palm trees, and just the laid back nature of things out here. That hustle and bustle life in NYC isn't for me anymore. I'm not where I'd like to be as yet, but baby steps are in order. NOt to mention I serve a mighty God. With a flick of His wrist, a blink of His eye, a snap of His finger... He can allow so much to manifest in my favor. So in the meantime I wait on Him. But that wait, tho.. Lord, I want and need to be independent. NOt of you but of others. Help me. COme through for me. For us. You see what's in my head, in my heart. You even see what I can't see. YOU'RE a GOD of suddenlies. Change life for us for the better in a SUDDEN move of our hand. It's time, Lord. It's time.