I've got the holiday blues once again. It's like this feeling of blah mixed with eh with a little bit of ugh all gang up on me at once all the while I'm trying to gather the smiles I've saved in my back pocket and mash them up to make one big happy smile camouflage so that no one asks "what's wrong?".
What's wrong? I can't even fully answer that because the list is long. It's a long and painful list that I've gotten accustomed to just ignoring as best as I can. I think I've done a pretty damn good job at it. The holidays aren't amusing for me. They aren't festive. They aren't rich with anticipation. There's no planning. There's no cooking. No family or friends to make new memories with. For me, the holidays are a time where I feel every single void in my life all at once and I just attempt to act "normal" and just live vicariously through the Facebook pics and stories from my friends.
The crazy thing is that I haven't always felt this way. And even when my mom worked during through holidays... I was still happy. She would always cook up a storm for Thanksgiving. Always looked forward getting a free turkey from some supermarket. My mom would cook so much that she'd just send food to our neighbors. Rice and beans, macaroni au gratin, conch, turkey, salad, fried plantains, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes... I mean it was really just the two of us but you couldn't tell her anything. Here's the kicker: all of this would be made just for her to put some out for herself in a little bowl to take to work later on in the evening.
It's been 15 years since I've shared a holiday with my mom. It's been 12 since Jay and I shared a holiday. Although now I have my son...I haven't been able to give him any of the holiday festivities. We haven't made any memories. No traditions of our own. That's also a void I feel. I can't do what I want. I can't fill the void(s). I'm grateful for his temperament, though. Nothing really bothers him much. He's satisfied with the bare minimum. But I can't continue to ignore my own unhappiness.
Of course this is just the tip of the iceberg concerning the contributions of my annual holiday funkfest. I can ease on down the list of voids that assist in keeping me camouflaged during this season but eh. I guess I'll end this like I always end my holiday rants... "Next year will be better, Tish. Next year."
Ok...
