friendship and me

It's been a while since i've blogged. WHY? well, i have a lot of shit on my mind and just don't know where to start. even now, i don't know where to begin or how to title this. i don't know what i wan to blog about...
how about i just tackle them one at time.

ok, so... let's talk about friendship. i think i have my definition of friendship warped. like, i'm the type to go all out for a friend. i care deeply about those who occupy a place in my heart. i want people in my life to be happy and healthy. i've been blessed to have good 'friends'.  friends who i would actually refer to as siblings. we're that close and they mean that much to me. there have been certain situations that have occured in my life where if it weren't for those friends, i wouldn't have made it through. when my friends are stressed out about something, so am i. its just me, its who i am.  its who i've been. my friends are my family.for the most part, they've been able to keep me under control, since i do have a tendency to wild out sometimes.i have a kidney on reserve for the first one who needs it.

don't get me wrong now, i'm not an angel of a friend either. i've done some shit to some people who've called me a "friend" and honesly, i carry the guilt with me. i don't show it but i do. i admit where i fucked up and don't faul them for hating me. i mean, sometimes i think about certain things i've done and i get totally disgusted with myself and ask how i couldve done something to someone who cared about me. how did i allow myself to not be the friend they've been to me? where did it make sense to hurt a friend? i can think of two people in particular who have been hurt by my actions. i know that i'll never be able to make it up to them and that our relationship is forever changed. they're outlook on friendship is also forever change and that affects me the most. for someone to look at friendships differently because of my actions... that makes me feel like shit, and i deserve it.

now earlier, i said that i may have a warped definition of friendship. i say that because... well, sometimes i feel like i'm more concerned about other people's well-being and happiness than i am of my own. like, i will consume myself... my thoughts with making sure that people are happy that i often sacrifice my own happiness. sometimes, i don't even feel as if i deserve to make myself happy. or maybe i just don't know how to make myself happy. i'm happy when my friends are happy... but what about when my friends are happy and that isn't enough for my own happiness? what do i do then? i shut down and keep it moving. i swallow a lot in order to keep the peace. i don't like to argue and i don't like drama (the last part might be contrary to popular demand but i really don't...  but my decisions usually lead to some form of drama), so to keep the peace or to avoid the back and forth with a friend, i'll back down and just not say anything. sometimes... most of the time.... i'll forgive the unforgiveable because i don't want to lose a friend. i thought about this the other day and realized that if i never forgive a friend for something, i wouldn' have any remaining friends. that's the beauty of friendship... forgiveness. realizing that we're human and our own person and will sometimes make decisions that others may not accept as okay but at that time, they felt it was the right thing to do. i'l call it the glitch in the matrix. something just went wrong in the air which caused whatever to happen.  although i have one friendship currently in turmoil... i have to say that any other friendship that survived the "matrix glitch" made it back stronger than ever and for that, i'm grateful.

i don't need any new friends. as a matter of fact, the next person to enter my circle will be my husband. in the meantime, i'll keep praying and loving my friends, work on myself, and on my happiness. wow... i just had an epiphany and just answered my question about how to be happy: in order to make myself happy, i need to be a friend to me. i need to look out for me. i need to love me like i love others. and i need to want for me what i would want for others. hmmmm, i get it... my happiness starts with me and being my own friend.