Catching up

It's been way too long since I've entered a post in here. I started working as a flu shot nurse at a hospital in Harlem. So far, I like it. It can be demanding at times since I'm the only nurse going in between two clinics. My feet are soooooo swollen by the time I get home. But the patients are very nice and my Co workers are pretty cool too. This is a temporary position, so I'm definitely looking for a permanent position. Although the commute is an hour long each way, I only take one train...and I'm good with that.

What else.... Hmmmmm.... Oh.. I went natural for a few months. Did the big chop in February, but that creamy crack was calling my name and I answered in September. I'll try it again soon.

I'm still single...and there are no prospects. Sucks, but I'll continue working on myself and my goals. God will put us in each other's path when the time is right.

My son is seven. Sigh. He's seven and he's growing. Physically and mentally. He's such a cool kid. I LOOOOOVE his innocence and i pray for him every moment i can. I LOOOOOVE my baby...and he'll always be my baby.

That's it for now. Gonna enjoy the rest of this train ride with Boyz II Men in my ears.

Not guilty... pt 1

I tried hard to prepare my mind for this verdict but it still caught me off guard and broke my heart. I pray that something great will come out of this travesty. Maybe a new movement or two will be born. Maybe new leaders will rise up and take the movements further than MLK and the other leaders of yesterday. Maybe we'll become more active in the lives of the children around us and inspire them to not be 'profile-able'. Who knows? But for now... tv's off, phone's off, and I'm going to bed... with a heavy heart. pt 2 in a few days....

Short but to the point...

I just wanted to express how open my mind is to elevation...especially since it's come to a point where in uncomfortable in my own skin. The life I see in my head haunts me everyday because I'm not living it. I feel like I'm not anywhere near where I could be but it's my head at all times. How do I catapult from where I am to where I see myself in my head?

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

On Friday, May 24th... I turned 35 years old. To God be the glory. I've heard that 35 is considered "old"...but I still don't feel a day over 18.

As I look back at the past 34 years, I take a look at soooooo much that I've been through and that by God's grace I've become a stronger person for. My parents rocky relationship throughout my childhood, leaving home at 19 to go to Cheyney University (although my stay there was brief), a couple of disappointments, losing friends, sinning against a friend, finding love, the death of my mother, the death of my fiance, more lost friendships, betrayal, anger against God, backsliding, complicated relationships, the birth of my son, being emotionally hurt by a man, having my limits tested and stretched, having my last nerves danced on, enjoyment disappointments, surgery, being broke, feeling despair, living that single parent life, not being able to do what I want............year after year......many ups and downs.....

I thank God that HE allowed me to go through the fire. It made me who I am today. With all the setbacks I've suffered in my life, I'm proud to say that God allowed me to finish school, for now, and become a Licenced Practical Nurse three says before my 35th birthday. I'm a nurse. I have a title! I will go into more detail about that in another blog.

Lord, you have delivered me from soooooo much. There were times where I was angry, scared, happy, doubtful, hopeful....sometimes all in the same day. I thank you, Lord, for never giving up on me. Today, I can really see a bright future ahead and it's all because of you.  35... I'm happy...and I'm excited about my future. New career, new love, new life. I welcome you, 35.

Thank you, Jesus.

Smh

I need to get my life.......

K. I. S. S. I. N. G.

Every once in a while I'll daydream.  My mind will drift away to a place where everything is right and it all feels good. Sometimes, these dreams will have me within the company of a man. My mood before the daydream determines who he is. Sometimes, it's "my Nate"... sometimes it's "Anthony" ... sometimes it's "Fitz". Regardless, it's always someone who I enjoy kissing. Although, I haven't had the pleasure of kissing "my Nate" yet, but our time will come.

I just slipped into one of my kissing daydreams and had to immediately snap out of it. Since I ain't kissing anyone tonight, I guess its back to my music and my mood.

What gives?

Now that I'm done with this first phase of nursing (claiming that I pass my nclex exam next month in Jesus'name)... I think I'll open myself up to meeting new people. New men. Yesterday, April 23rd... made it nine years since I've been officially single. I say officially because I haven't had a "significant other" label since that day. Yessssssss, I've been with two men in that time...but never been their official woman.  Nine years! To me, that's a bit...Um....interesting.

When Jay died nine years ago, I honestly didn't think that nine years would go by without me getting into another relationship. I honestly thought someone would scoop me up off my feet soon after.  Like, I thought that I was "that chick". You know, the one that a man wouldn't let get away. The one that a man would be proud to call his own. The one who would become a man's best friend and then his wife. Well, it never happened. What a blow to my ego, lol.

I'm a great catch. Even though my life hasn't been as fulfilling to me as I would want, but I'm one of those rare women regardless. I know my worth...although I've short-changed myself through the years. I've watched men that I liked who liked me back get with other women after me and either marry them or get into serious relationships. What the hell gives?

I'm still the same woman. I love hard, I'm caring, smart, thoughtful, considerate, funny, loving, sweet, loyal, trustworthy, sensitive, dependable, uplifting, safe, sexy, cool... I can cook, very well if I do say so myself... I have manners... People love me and love being around me... I'm a wonderful mother... like, what the hell else should I be in order for a man to want me and only me? I watch women who can't boil water be treated like queens...women who don't consider a man's feelings, won't cook, won't clean, won't support his life...these women have men in their lives. What gives?

I'm about to make this nursing career official. I've been told that as soon as it happens, men will be coming my way...but it doesn't seem fair. Ohhhhhhhh well... I guess we'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'll keep studying for my exam. What God has for me...it is for me. I just hope HE has a husband for me.

Weekend Love

I always feel the most single on the weekends. It's almost always the same routine: wake up, stay in bed for as long as I can before hunger tries to kill me, get up and take care of the morning routine (teeth, face, empty bladder...), then drag myself into the kitchen to figure out what's for breakfast. 

After having my breakfast, I get back into bed and check fb, twitter, instagram.....all of my fav social media sites. I'm pretty quiet around this time. Thoughts of wanting to wake up to a different scenario crowd my mind the most at this time.

I imagine slowly waking up in the arms of my "Nate"...whoever he is. We kinda wake up at the same time. He holds me a little tighter and I move my head up to kiss his neck. His manly giggle and tight squeeze let's me know that he's happy. My giggle when he moves down to kiss my neck let's him know that this is the perfect way to wake up. We could stay like this all day, lol. Small talk while he gently rubs my side with his finger tips and I rub his chest with my finger tips. Stealing kisses here and there, lots of giggling, more kissing, touching... Lol! I could go on with my fantasy...but this ain't that kind post, lol.

This morning my routine was the same. Stayed in bed until my stomach couldn't take it anymore. After washing up, I went into the kitchen. Wasn't as hungry as I was before but still looked for something to fix. Grabbed an orange and some apple sauce and that was breakfast. Started working on dinner. Got back into the bed and watched music videos. Seems like all these love songs are compilations of my love fantasies. Changed the channel, lol.

Sighhhhh. Can't wait for my morning routine fantasy to become my reality. I crave it more than I crave chocolate on those "special" days. I hope he's thinking about it too.

Soon, baby...soon.

March...

What can I say about March? Well, let's see... Jordan took his first plane ride and loved it. Unfortunately, it was ride to Florida to attend my cousin's funeral.
I fell in LOOOOOVE with Florida this month. I mean, I've been the before but something about this trip made me feel like I was the for more reasons than I thought. That's a topic for another post...soon tho, I promise.

Studying has begun for the nclex exam. I find myself doing questions, reading, and watching instructional videos every day.

I think March was the month that actually gave birth to a focus. March created goals. It brought with it a blueprint of my immediate future. That blueprint might be a rough draft since there's slats room for tweaking...but it's a blueprint none the less and I can finally say that the light att the end of this tunnel can finally be seen.
God is soooooo good and faithful. With HIM, everything falls into place.

February

Well, February came in pretty quietly. Everything was calm and cool until Saturday, February 23...at 2:30 pm when I got a phone call from my cousin. As I answered the call, I didn't expect to hear what I was about to hear. My cousin was frantic...and I didn't know why. Immediately, my thoughts went to my aunt. I thought something happened to her. My cousin was crying so hard that she could barely get her words out. My heart sank... I didn't know if I should sit or stand. She begged me to just come over because she didn't want to tell me this bad news over the phone. At this point, my heart was at my throat and I forced her to tell me what was wrong. As I listened to my aunt wailing in the background, my cousin uttered the words: "Chloe called....Andre passed out. Andre passed out and he's gone. Andre's gone!!!" My response: "I just spoke to Andre on Thursday, what are you talking about?!"

My cousin Andre had a heart attack while shopping at a mall in Florida were he lived with his wife, Chloe. He was 42.

I told my cousin that I would be right over and hung up. I cried. I yelled and cried my heart out. I called my dad and broke the news to him. Then I got a ride from a friend and went to my aunt's house. A slew of friends and family visited while I was there. Shock and disbelief...pretty much the general feeling of the night.

A week later, my son and I were in Florida.

My cousin's funeral was filled with family, friends, and Co-workers. A picture slideshow played over and over throughout the service. Photos of dinners, weddings, and just good times...all playing on a projector...for everyone to remember Andre. As I stood by his coffin, I couldn't help but watch the picture show and cry. This "gentle giant" with his famous head slant was gone.

It's been exactly a month since Andre passed and I still can't wrap my head around it.

To be continued...

January blessings

With five minutes left in the month of January, I have to look back at this month and count a few blessings. 2013 has been great so far, thank God.

Except for catching the flu AND stomach virus...January had been nothing but a joy. I became a Practical Nurse and I'm on my way to getting that license...which will make me a Licensed Practical Nurse. I saw my BOYZ II MEN along with NKOTB and 98 Degrees in Union Square... a very unexpected night indeed but I was so happy. I got my very first flat screen TV. Yeah, I think I was the last person on Earth without a flatscreen, lol.
My son is healthy, smart, and sweet. He's growing niceland doing great things in school.

All in all I can honestly say that January was a great month. I feel a shift happening and I'm very excited about it. The ideas that float around in my head about how I want to live, where I'd like to live...and so on... I honestly feel as though they will all come to pass...this year!

January, you were great. February, you're up next..and I can't wait to see what blessings you bring.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you!

It's been too long...

I plan on blogging more in 2013. At least once a week. For now, I'll leave a few lines about how this year is going so far. 1. I'm done with school...pinned on 1/19/13. I am a Practical Nurse...awaiting my licensing exam...which passing it will make me a Licenced Practical Nurse, or LPN for short. A long, loooong, tough road...but to God be the glory.

2. I saw Boyz II Men last night. If you know me even just a lil bit, you know that I love, love, love them...so seeing them last night was just amazing. I had a great tine. Got lots of hugs and kisses from the guys, who must recognize me by now.

3. Realized that 2013 is going to be my best year to date and it's about damn time, lol. I'm excited about what's to come for me this year. I'm speaking lots of things into existence this year. The thoughts of how i want life to be for me and mine are all going to come to pass, i can feel it.

4. I've had the flu/stomach virus for almost two weeks. Slowly getting better.

Ok, that's all for now. I'm yawning uncontrollably, lol.

Nitey-nite!