Well, I'm back... for now.

Whenever I take a long break from writing, shit starts to accumulate in my head to the point of overwhelming confusion. Like, I've had the writing itch for a few weeks but could never really figure out what I needed to write. There's SOOOOO much going on in my mind right now and it's got me in a bit of a funky mood.

Now that the holidays are here... I'm feeling pretty blah. It never fails. As much as I love the holidays, I'm always a bit melancholy around these times. And there are so many reasons as to why but the major reason is probably because I've never really celebrated the holidays the way mainstream society shows us that it should be. Like, I've never had a nicely decorated home with accorns and pumpkins... never had the cranberry sauce, the pumpkin pie, the whole turkey... it's never been that way for me. Never grew up having family over for the holidays, eating together, being thankful for one another. I was home, watching the parade and all day marathons of The Honeymooners, Charlie Brown, or some other oldie but goodie show.

As boring as that might sound, it don't think it bothered me much back then. My mom was always working. Sometimes, I'd just go to her job and hangout with her. Most of the time, I was home... alone, imagining celebrating the holidays the way they do on the commercials and tv shows. The way that my friends did. The way that my neighbors did. The way that my mother wanted to but couldn't. The way that I told her we'd have it when I got older and things got better. The way it has yet to happen.

I want to have my own holiday ritual. I want to cook for three days and have my family and friends over. I want my husband (one day) to make his world-famous whatever. I want my son to help with the baking. I want to take pictures, sing loud Boyz II Men songs, and just enjoy the moment. I want to make good memories... but this year, it'll me me and my son... watching Charlie Brown, maybe visiting my sister... making memories, I guess.

Reese's or Kit Kat... an analogy

I went to the store today and picked up a few snacks (yeah, it's that time again). After I got my selection of chips, my Cherry Coke, AND Cherry Pepsi... (I TOLD YOU IT WAS THAT TIME AGAIN, DON'T JUDGE ME!) it was now time to get some chocolate. Ohhhhh, Kit Kat. Ohhhhhhhh, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Dammit, I only have a dollar left... what a dilema!

This is a dilemma because although Reese's are my all-time favorite chocolate treat, I wanted the Kit Kat. I stood there and debated with myself: but Reese's is my favorite... just get the Reese's... damn, that Kit Kat looks good in its red wrapper... hmmmmm, what to do!?! Ok, I'm getting the Reese's... but, do I really want Reese's right now? Yes, Kit Kat? Sigh... ok, ok... Kit Kat it is. I'm sorry, Reese's... you know I love you.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU. If I got paid a dollar everytime I hear those words this year alone... I'd probably have enough money to get a pair of DreBeats headphones. Yeah, you love me... but not enough to choose me. Not enough to keep me from feeling the way that I do. Not enough to make this better for me. Not enough to make me happy. Not as much as I do YOU. Hey, maybe your selection wasn't as difficult as min was at the store. Maybe you knew which one you wanted from jump and didn't have to debate. Hmmmm, that's probably it. You might love both, but wanted one more than the other that night... and forever. I get it.

It just sucks to always be the losing side of the coin. Flip it again, please?

friendship and me

It's been a while since i've blogged. WHY? well, i have a lot of shit on my mind and just don't know where to start. even now, i don't know where to begin or how to title this. i don't know what i wan to blog about...
how about i just tackle them one at time.

ok, so... let's talk about friendship. i think i have my definition of friendship warped. like, i'm the type to go all out for a friend. i care deeply about those who occupy a place in my heart. i want people in my life to be happy and healthy. i've been blessed to have good 'friends'.  friends who i would actually refer to as siblings. we're that close and they mean that much to me. there have been certain situations that have occured in my life where if it weren't for those friends, i wouldn't have made it through. when my friends are stressed out about something, so am i. its just me, its who i am.  its who i've been. my friends are my family.for the most part, they've been able to keep me under control, since i do have a tendency to wild out sometimes.i have a kidney on reserve for the first one who needs it.

don't get me wrong now, i'm not an angel of a friend either. i've done some shit to some people who've called me a "friend" and honesly, i carry the guilt with me. i don't show it but i do. i admit where i fucked up and don't faul them for hating me. i mean, sometimes i think about certain things i've done and i get totally disgusted with myself and ask how i couldve done something to someone who cared about me. how did i allow myself to not be the friend they've been to me? where did it make sense to hurt a friend? i can think of two people in particular who have been hurt by my actions. i know that i'll never be able to make it up to them and that our relationship is forever changed. they're outlook on friendship is also forever change and that affects me the most. for someone to look at friendships differently because of my actions... that makes me feel like shit, and i deserve it.

now earlier, i said that i may have a warped definition of friendship. i say that because... well, sometimes i feel like i'm more concerned about other people's well-being and happiness than i am of my own. like, i will consume myself... my thoughts with making sure that people are happy that i often sacrifice my own happiness. sometimes, i don't even feel as if i deserve to make myself happy. or maybe i just don't know how to make myself happy. i'm happy when my friends are happy... but what about when my friends are happy and that isn't enough for my own happiness? what do i do then? i shut down and keep it moving. i swallow a lot in order to keep the peace. i don't like to argue and i don't like drama (the last part might be contrary to popular demand but i really don't...  but my decisions usually lead to some form of drama), so to keep the peace or to avoid the back and forth with a friend, i'll back down and just not say anything. sometimes... most of the time.... i'll forgive the unforgiveable because i don't want to lose a friend. i thought about this the other day and realized that if i never forgive a friend for something, i wouldn' have any remaining friends. that's the beauty of friendship... forgiveness. realizing that we're human and our own person and will sometimes make decisions that others may not accept as okay but at that time, they felt it was the right thing to do. i'l call it the glitch in the matrix. something just went wrong in the air which caused whatever to happen.  although i have one friendship currently in turmoil... i have to say that any other friendship that survived the "matrix glitch" made it back stronger than ever and for that, i'm grateful.

i don't need any new friends. as a matter of fact, the next person to enter my circle will be my husband. in the meantime, i'll keep praying and loving my friends, work on myself, and on my happiness. wow... i just had an epiphany and just answered my question about how to be happy: in order to make myself happy, i need to be a friend to me. i need to look out for me. i need to love me like i love others. and i need to want for me what i would want for others. hmmmm, i get it... my happiness starts with me and being my own friend.