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Monday, September 20, 2010
aahhhhh.....
there's so much going on in this head of mine that I can't figure out what to write. so it's chamomile tea before bed... mmmmm hmmmm!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
the title
today, my best friend asked why i named this blog "the miseducation of a 30 something woman"... and my answer was simply, "My mom".
bettie, my mom, was a great woman. spunky, generous, workaholic... she was a helluva woman. from the stories i've heard of her youth, she was a diva and the woman every man wanted but very, very few could step to her.
growing up in les cayes, haiti, my mom was separated from her parents and siblings and sent to live with her godmother. her godmother, who was a bitter old maid (no husband and no children) asked my grandmother, who made her career as a popular roadside merchant, to have my mom stay with her for a while because she needed companionship. no one really knew how bitter that old woman was until many years later when my mom expressed her resentment toward my grandmother for sending her away. as my mom would later tell everyone, she became her godmother's slave. she cooked, (hand)washed clothes for the men in the neighborhood, and was physically abused when she "got out of line" (like i said, she was pretty spunky and really couldn't be bossed around). she would be beaten in her sleep if her godmother was in a bad mood (which was quite often). she was critized because of her light skin... her godmother was a very dark woman and hated her own skin color. people in the neighborhood who knew my grandmother from working on the roadside would inform her of the abuse and eentually she sent for my mom to return home. but by then, some of the damage had already been done. my mom never understood why she was sent away against her wishes and had now returned home to a family she barely knew.
my mom was very independant and as my aunt calls her til this day a "poor fashionista". she became her own dressmaker by teaching herself how to sew. my aunt tells me that my mother's dress creations were original and classy. she'd even sew for her friends when special events were near. her hairstyles were always on point... basically, my mom was the bomb! haiti was too small for my mom. she was an "out of the box" kinda gal and she needed to be in the states in order to hit her stride and become whatever she wanted to be... which was sadly never revealed to me.
i don't know how my mom met my dad but i do know from what she told me, she "chose" to be with him because he was poor like her. mind you, doctors were hollering at her and wanted her BAD... but she figured being with someone like her would keep her humble. anyway, they got married and began to live life. my mom worked at a bakery/factory until she became pregnant. unfortunately, she lost that child to a miscarriage... and about five more afterward the same way. when she became pregnant with me, she left her job at the factory under doctors orders and was placed on bedrest. i was born at 32 weeks weighing a mere 3lbs and 14 ozs. two more miscarriages and led my mom to give up on her dream of having a large family. she always called me her "unique" on "l'unique" because i was her only child.
life was tough. my dad eventually informed my mom of his two older daughters who were living with their mom in haiti. that news could've detroyed my mom, but it didn't. she began to financially support the children and would eventually send for them. my two sisters lived with me for a few years but moved out at my dad's request. why... one by one they became pregnant and my dad wasn't having it. my mom wanted them to stay and tried to get him to change his mind but he wanted the out. now, my dad was doing his thing on the side as well. he was working at the bakery/factory where my mom worked up until she was placed on bedrest but never contributed to the household expenses. as my mom began to work as a home health aid and started to take on more than one case, he'd be doing his thing with different women. he was sloppy. my mom found out almost all the time and threw him out... seven times within a 10 year span. everytime she took him back, it was with a type of optimsism that things would change and they'd be the happy couple they once were. NOT. to make a loooong story short, the marriage failed and another one of my mom's dreams were shattered... and she became bitter.
the miseducation of a 30 something woman begins with a bitter and resentful mother. she didn't want me to trust anyone. to her, everyone had an alterior motive. in her bitterness, she took the innocence of life away from me by trying to prevent what happened to her to happen to me. she warned me on how evil men were, how they only wanted to have sex with you and add you to their "numbers'... she told me how friends were only there to stab you in the back and that no one was really my friend except for her. not to say that there wasn't some truth to what she would tell me, but at the age of 10 or 12... i could never really understand what she wanted me to. i was way to young and immature to relate to the pain she felt but i was sensitive enough to know that she only wanted the best for her "l'unique". she lived the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" life and it was sad. don't get me wrong, my mom was a clown. she had a sense of humor that meritted its own tv show. she was fun to be with and i always enjoyed her company. but there was always a sadness in her eyes. she didn't expect to be working so hard and making little money taking care of the elderly. she didn't expect her husband to be unfaithful to her. she didn't expect family drama from her childhood to follow her into adulthood and cause issues between her and her siblings. she didn't expect to be a single parent. she experienced everything she didn't expect... and it wore her out.
she worked to give the both of us a good life. she LOVED antiques. she loved brand named items. she LOVED hats and shoes. shopping was therapy. her living room set was brought from a furniture store from back in the day called "Celini" which later became "Roma". it was an italian furniture store and she furnished the entire apartment through Roma. shit was expensive and she didn't really care. as long as she had it. it made her feel good. she took pride in her stuff. her fridge, her stove... everything was top of the line. in a way, she wanted to make up for her disappointments with "stuff" which she barely got to enjoy because she was always working and never home.
my mom suddenly passed away when i was 21. she was my best friend and her death was a blow that i've never fully recovered from. she made me depend on her for everything and when she died, i really dind't know what to do. now i was surrounded by the people she had no trust for. people who had other motives instead of my well-being. i was confused and couldn't ask her what to do next. i had to go through the family drama of the past to come to my own conclusions in order to have peace of mind. my mom died and being that i was her only child... my family was my only link to her. i had to fix this because i needed them. i needed them because they were her, and i needed her. i didn't trust them because she didn't trust them. confusion settled in and i shut them out. it was the only way that i could deal (or not deal) with what was going on. my dad had since relocated to massachussettes and had a new family. i was on my own and had to curry the burden of her anger and bitterness because i felt i could keep her struggle alive. it was a heavy burden... but thank God for His yoke. He said to hand Him my burden and i would take His yoke, which was light. it took a while but i've been able to form my own conclusion about her experiences and i've learned to not live her burdens.
my mom meant well in everything she did. i love her and miss her dearly. i'm learning now the things i should've learned in my 20's... but she wsn't around to teach me. do i have trust issues, yes. can i be a bit paranoid, yes. am i willing to trust... YES! am i open to love... YES! am i learning some pretty hard lessons in life... YES! am i allowing God to direct me... YES (although sometimes i get in the way). am i expecting to have better experiences than my mom did... i already have and will continue to do so. will i let go of the past and look toward a better future... YES! am i happy... YES! will i hit my stride... YES!
WILL I MAKE MY MOM PROUD... I THINK I ALREADY HAVE.
bettie, my mom, was a great woman. spunky, generous, workaholic... she was a helluva woman. from the stories i've heard of her youth, she was a diva and the woman every man wanted but very, very few could step to her.
growing up in les cayes, haiti, my mom was separated from her parents and siblings and sent to live with her godmother. her godmother, who was a bitter old maid (no husband and no children) asked my grandmother, who made her career as a popular roadside merchant, to have my mom stay with her for a while because she needed companionship. no one really knew how bitter that old woman was until many years later when my mom expressed her resentment toward my grandmother for sending her away. as my mom would later tell everyone, she became her godmother's slave. she cooked, (hand)washed clothes for the men in the neighborhood, and was physically abused when she "got out of line" (like i said, she was pretty spunky and really couldn't be bossed around). she would be beaten in her sleep if her godmother was in a bad mood (which was quite often). she was critized because of her light skin... her godmother was a very dark woman and hated her own skin color. people in the neighborhood who knew my grandmother from working on the roadside would inform her of the abuse and eentually she sent for my mom to return home. but by then, some of the damage had already been done. my mom never understood why she was sent away against her wishes and had now returned home to a family she barely knew.
my mom was very independant and as my aunt calls her til this day a "poor fashionista". she became her own dressmaker by teaching herself how to sew. my aunt tells me that my mother's dress creations were original and classy. she'd even sew for her friends when special events were near. her hairstyles were always on point... basically, my mom was the bomb! haiti was too small for my mom. she was an "out of the box" kinda gal and she needed to be in the states in order to hit her stride and become whatever she wanted to be... which was sadly never revealed to me.
i don't know how my mom met my dad but i do know from what she told me, she "chose" to be with him because he was poor like her. mind you, doctors were hollering at her and wanted her BAD... but she figured being with someone like her would keep her humble. anyway, they got married and began to live life. my mom worked at a bakery/factory until she became pregnant. unfortunately, she lost that child to a miscarriage... and about five more afterward the same way. when she became pregnant with me, she left her job at the factory under doctors orders and was placed on bedrest. i was born at 32 weeks weighing a mere 3lbs and 14 ozs. two more miscarriages and led my mom to give up on her dream of having a large family. she always called me her "unique" on "l'unique" because i was her only child.
life was tough. my dad eventually informed my mom of his two older daughters who were living with their mom in haiti. that news could've detroyed my mom, but it didn't. she began to financially support the children and would eventually send for them. my two sisters lived with me for a few years but moved out at my dad's request. why... one by one they became pregnant and my dad wasn't having it. my mom wanted them to stay and tried to get him to change his mind but he wanted the out. now, my dad was doing his thing on the side as well. he was working at the bakery/factory where my mom worked up until she was placed on bedrest but never contributed to the household expenses. as my mom began to work as a home health aid and started to take on more than one case, he'd be doing his thing with different women. he was sloppy. my mom found out almost all the time and threw him out... seven times within a 10 year span. everytime she took him back, it was with a type of optimsism that things would change and they'd be the happy couple they once were. NOT. to make a loooong story short, the marriage failed and another one of my mom's dreams were shattered... and she became bitter.
the miseducation of a 30 something woman begins with a bitter and resentful mother. she didn't want me to trust anyone. to her, everyone had an alterior motive. in her bitterness, she took the innocence of life away from me by trying to prevent what happened to her to happen to me. she warned me on how evil men were, how they only wanted to have sex with you and add you to their "numbers'... she told me how friends were only there to stab you in the back and that no one was really my friend except for her. not to say that there wasn't some truth to what she would tell me, but at the age of 10 or 12... i could never really understand what she wanted me to. i was way to young and immature to relate to the pain she felt but i was sensitive enough to know that she only wanted the best for her "l'unique". she lived the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" life and it was sad. don't get me wrong, my mom was a clown. she had a sense of humor that meritted its own tv show. she was fun to be with and i always enjoyed her company. but there was always a sadness in her eyes. she didn't expect to be working so hard and making little money taking care of the elderly. she didn't expect her husband to be unfaithful to her. she didn't expect family drama from her childhood to follow her into adulthood and cause issues between her and her siblings. she didn't expect to be a single parent. she experienced everything she didn't expect... and it wore her out.
she worked to give the both of us a good life. she LOVED antiques. she loved brand named items. she LOVED hats and shoes. shopping was therapy. her living room set was brought from a furniture store from back in the day called "Celini" which later became "Roma". it was an italian furniture store and she furnished the entire apartment through Roma. shit was expensive and she didn't really care. as long as she had it. it made her feel good. she took pride in her stuff. her fridge, her stove... everything was top of the line. in a way, she wanted to make up for her disappointments with "stuff" which she barely got to enjoy because she was always working and never home.
my mom suddenly passed away when i was 21. she was my best friend and her death was a blow that i've never fully recovered from. she made me depend on her for everything and when she died, i really dind't know what to do. now i was surrounded by the people she had no trust for. people who had other motives instead of my well-being. i was confused and couldn't ask her what to do next. i had to go through the family drama of the past to come to my own conclusions in order to have peace of mind. my mom died and being that i was her only child... my family was my only link to her. i had to fix this because i needed them. i needed them because they were her, and i needed her. i didn't trust them because she didn't trust them. confusion settled in and i shut them out. it was the only way that i could deal (or not deal) with what was going on. my dad had since relocated to massachussettes and had a new family. i was on my own and had to curry the burden of her anger and bitterness because i felt i could keep her struggle alive. it was a heavy burden... but thank God for His yoke. He said to hand Him my burden and i would take His yoke, which was light. it took a while but i've been able to form my own conclusion about her experiences and i've learned to not live her burdens.
my mom meant well in everything she did. i love her and miss her dearly. i'm learning now the things i should've learned in my 20's... but she wsn't around to teach me. do i have trust issues, yes. can i be a bit paranoid, yes. am i willing to trust... YES! am i open to love... YES! am i learning some pretty hard lessons in life... YES! am i allowing God to direct me... YES (although sometimes i get in the way). am i expecting to have better experiences than my mom did... i already have and will continue to do so. will i let go of the past and look toward a better future... YES! am i happy... YES! will i hit my stride... YES!
WILL I MAKE MY MOM PROUD... I THINK I ALREADY HAVE.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
a dream...
... a simple fantasy that i wish was reality...
you were in my dream today. i must admit, its been a while since youve visited me in that way, and although todays visit was cut short (thanks to my four year old waking me up) it was all i needed to make me see that... i still want you.
you were in my dream today. i must admit, its been a while since youve visited me in that way, and although todays visit was cut short (thanks to my four year old waking me up) it was all i needed to make me see that... i still want you.
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Monday, September 13, 2010
i'm still up...
again, it's way past my bedtime and i'm up eating frosted flakes (without milk). it's only because i'm single... cuz i know that i know that I KNOW that if i was married right now, i'd be in bed with my man! we'd either be listening to music in each others arms, going for round two or three, or be KNOCKED OUT from round four! Lol... it'll happen. and when it does, it'll be 100 times better than i've ever imagined. he's out there. i know he is. and we're being prepared for each other... (just wish it wouldn't take so damn long, lol). i can't wait to be his wife. can't wait to love him and for him to love me. can't wait for our families to be family. sometimes i feel as if i already know him, even if we've never met. it's as if our spirits are connected even now. i might have already met him (sigh) and if so, i can't wait for us to make up for time lost. but if he's someone that i've never met... i'm glad my spirit can feel his and i know that his spirit can feel mine.
i'm coming, baby... wait for me.
i'm coming, baby... wait for me.
Friday, September 10, 2010
He never ceases to amaze me...
i began to ask myself this week if God was really listening to me... if my prayers were even being heard. like, i really thought that my prayers were only being heard by my four walls. if even thought that i should just go up to the rooftop of my apartment building and shout out to Him and maybe, just maybe, He'd hear me and finally send some long awaited answers my way. well, all that changed today when someone dear to me spoke a prophetic word into my life. this word confirmed to me that He indeed has heard my prayers and will indeed move on my behalf... and that He'll never leave me.
i love the Lord. i do. although i don't deserve it, He always comes through... and He always has my back.
thank you, Lord.
i love the Lord. i do. although i don't deserve it, He always comes through... and He always has my back.
thank you, Lord.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
should've been asleep already...
... but i'm up.
why?
i'm job hunting. yep... and i hate it. BUT... i've decided that i will find a great job by the end of this month. that's right... i've decided. normally, i'd sit in front of the computer for hours and hours and stressing myself out. now, i've limited myself to two (2) one hour job hunting sessions a day. one session in the morning, and one in the evening. i believe God has opened doors for me and its up to me to go through them with a different outlook, a more positive outlook.
well... its almost 2am and i'm gonna turn in. wish i could have a massage right now. oh well... nitey-nite, everyone.
why?
i'm job hunting. yep... and i hate it. BUT... i've decided that i will find a great job by the end of this month. that's right... i've decided. normally, i'd sit in front of the computer for hours and hours and stressing myself out. now, i've limited myself to two (2) one hour job hunting sessions a day. one session in the morning, and one in the evening. i believe God has opened doors for me and its up to me to go through them with a different outlook, a more positive outlook.
well... its almost 2am and i'm gonna turn in. wish i could have a massage right now. oh well... nitey-nite, everyone.
Friday, September 3, 2010
my son
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its been a while...
for me, writing has been an outlet. a way of clearing my mind. a way of getting everything out. i can remember going through certain issues in my life that were sure to rob me of my sleep at night but thank God for blogs. there's a certain freedom in writing. like, I CAN WRITE IN ALL CAPS IF I WANT TO or use lowercase letters. it depends on my mood. if im in the mood to use the proper punctuations or use upper and lowercases, i will. i love the freedom! today, as you can see, im not in the mood for either. im just blogging. and with blogging, i dont have to spare anyones feelings. i can say whats on my mind and not censor anything. im glad that my phone has this app... i'll be blogging much more and sleeping better
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a letter to a friend...
i had to get this off of my chest...
hey...
hope this letter finds you well. i've gone back and forth with the thought of meeting up with you somewhere so we can talk face to face, but i don't think it would change things. i'll just type. if you never get to read this, at least it came out, in some way... and hopefully, i can have some type of peace in my heart when it comes to you and to us and what was and what could've been.
when we met, i knew you would play a major role in my life. i knew that i wanted to do the same for you. the more we got to know each other, the more i realized that the insane chemistry between us was becoming stronger and stronger as time went by. it was powerful for me, since it had been a while since i felt that type of chemistry. actually, this was stronger than anything i've ever experienced... and i liked it.
having so much in common didn't help the cause either, you know. we have the same love for music, our birthdays are days apart, ended up at the same job, even love the same snacks... goodness. i even almost ended up at the same college you attended. hey, maybe if i did go there, i would've completed my degree... smh.
we shared our first kiss on my birthday. if i wasn't against that wall, i would've probably gotten weak at the knees and fell to the ground. if you could only hear what was going through my head with each second that passed by during our kiss. i was so nervous. nervous but happy. happy that you wanted to and were actually kissing me. happy that it wasn't all in my head and that you saw me enough in that way to share that moment. happy that if we never had anything else, we'd always have my birthday kiss. nervous because... we were actually kissing. nervous because i wanted to kiss you so bad that i couldn't believe it was actually happening. nervous because... at that moment, i wanted you BAD.
that was it. from that moment on, you had me. i didn't want to admit it to my best friend but she knows me more than i know myself. she told me that i needed to come to terms with my feelings for you. she noticed a change in me. she noticed a more calmer me. i have to admit, your presence in my life did wonders for me. i became a better employee, took better care of myself... you were great for me.
we had sex. we.had.sex. s.e.x. wow, we had sex. funny thing is that it didn't turn out the way either of us intended for it to. that's kinda what made it special for me. we always talked about a do-over and described what things we would've done differently the next time around. opportunities came and went... we finally created an opportunity but didn't use the best judgement and unfortunately suffered the consequences of our misjudgement. the beginning of the end...
i'm going to end this letter because if i don't, i'll never stop writing. my thoughts are all over the place. there are certain things i wanted to write but just can't. at this point, it wouldn't make sense to. i know i would've been a great woman for you. you definitely were the man of my dreams and i have to find a way to get you out of my mind. i'll never understand what happened and where we went wrong, maybe one day you'll tell me. all i know is that you're the man in my thoughts when i think of my husband. i think about you day and night and miss you very much. thoughts of what could've been go through my mind daily and i don't know what to do. how do i get over someone i was never in a relationship with? i don't want to seem crazy, but its driving me there. i've even asked God to help me out. i've asked Him to get rid of the feelings i have for you. i've asked Him to do away with the emotions and to replace them with something else that had nothing to do with you. i wish i didn't have to pray that prayer, though. i wish my prayer was actually a praise to the Lord for bringing us together. you know, i'm afraid to run into you on the street. would you talk to me or just ignore me as if we never knew each other? smh... i can still feel your touch. this is crazy. alright, i'm done. no more typing... anyone reading this will think i'm insane in the membrane and i'm really far from it.
but there's so much more i want to say...
2010
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