a letter to a friend...

i had to get this off of my chest...

hey...

hope this letter finds you well.  i've gone back and forth with the thought of meeting up with you somewhere so we can talk face to face, but i don't think it would change things.  i'll just type. if you never get to read this, at least it came out, in some way... and hopefully, i can have some type of peace in my heart when it comes to you and to us and what was and what could've been. 

when we met, i knew you would play a major role in my life. i knew that i wanted to do the same for you. the more we got to know each other, the more i realized that the insane chemistry between us was becoming stronger and stronger as time went by.  it was powerful for me, since it had been a while since i felt that type of chemistry. actually, this was stronger than anything i've ever experienced... and i liked it.

having so much in common didn't help the cause either, you know. we have the same love for music, our birthdays are days apart, ended up at the same job, even love the same snacks... goodness.  i even almost ended up at the same college you attended.  hey, maybe if i did go there, i would've completed my degree... smh. 

we shared our first kiss on my birthday.  if i wasn't against that wall, i would've probably gotten weak at the knees and fell to the ground.  if you could only hear what was going through my head with each second that passed by during our kiss. i was so nervous. nervous but happy. happy that you wanted to and were actually kissing me. happy that it wasn't all in my head and that you saw me enough in that way to share that moment. happy that if we never had anything else, we'd always have my birthday kiss. nervous because... we were actually kissing. nervous because i wanted to kiss you so bad that i couldn't believe it was actually happening. nervous because... at that moment, i wanted you BAD.

that was it. from that moment on, you had me. i didn't want to admit it to my best friend but she knows me more than i know myself. she told me that i needed to come to terms with my feelings for you. she noticed a change in me. she noticed a more calmer me. i have to admit, your presence in my life did wonders for me.  i became a better employee, took better care of myself... you were great for me. 

we had sex. we.had.sex. s.e.x. wow, we had sex. funny thing is that it didn't turn out the way either of us intended for it to. that's kinda what made it special for me. we always talked about a do-over and described what things we would've done differently the next time around. opportunities came and went... we finally created an opportunity but didn't use the best judgement and unfortunately suffered the consequences of our misjudgement. the beginning of the end...

i'm going to end this letter because if i don't, i'll never stop writing. my thoughts are all over the place. there are certain things i wanted to write but just can't. at this point, it wouldn't make sense to. i know i would've been a great woman for you. you definitely were the man of my dreams and i have to find a way to get you out of my mind. i'll never understand what happened and where we went wrong, maybe one day you'll tell me. all i know is that you're the man in my thoughts when i think of my husband. i think about you day and night and miss you very much.  thoughts of what could've been go through my mind daily and i don't know what to do. how do i get over someone i was never in a relationship with? i don't want to seem crazy, but its driving me there. i've even asked God to help me out. i've asked Him to get rid of the feelings i have for you. i've asked Him to do away with the emotions and to replace them with  something else that had nothing to do with you. i wish i didn't have to pray that prayer, though. i wish my prayer was actually a praise to the Lord for bringing us together. you know, i'm afraid to run into you on the street. would you talk to me or just ignore me as if we never knew each other?  smh... i can still feel your touch. this is crazy. alright, i'm done. no more typing... anyone reading this will think i'm insane in the membrane and i'm really far from it. 

but there's so much more i want to say...

2010

2013.... I cringe when I read that. It was an honest post, at the time. The past three years have been very eye opening for me. I've learned a lot about myself, what I like, and what I don't like. Maybe I dodged a bullet in 2010...maybe I didn't. Who knows? I know one thing for sure...the real man of my dreams will definitely see me as the woman of his dreams. And when we finally get together, we'll know it. No pain involved. No drama. No games. No confusion. Until then, I'll be working on making myself the best me I can be...for myself, my son, for him, and for our future.