the title

today, my best friend asked why i named this blog "the miseducation of a 30 something woman"... and my answer was simply, "My mom".

bettie, my mom, was a great woman. spunky, generous, workaholic... she was a helluva woman. from the stories i've heard of her youth, she was a diva and the woman every man wanted but very, very few could step to her.

growing up in les cayes, haiti, my mom was separated from her parents and siblings and sent to live with her godmother. her godmother, who was a bitter old maid (no husband and no children) asked my grandmother, who made her career as a popular roadside merchant, to have my mom stay with her for a while because she needed companionship. no one really knew how bitter that old woman was until many years later when my mom expressed her resentment toward my grandmother for sending her away. as my mom would later tell everyone, she became her godmother's slave. she cooked, (hand)washed clothes for the men in the neighborhood, and was physically abused when she "got out of line" (like i said, she was pretty spunky and really couldn't be bossed around). she would be beaten in her sleep if her godmother was in a bad mood (which was quite often). she was critized because of her light skin... her godmother was a very dark woman and hated her own skin color. people in the neighborhood who knew my grandmother from working on the roadside would inform her of the abuse and eentually she sent for my mom to return home. but by then, some of the damage had already been done. my mom never understood why she was sent away against her wishes and had now returned home to a family she barely knew.

my mom was very independant and as my aunt calls her til this day a "poor fashionista". she became her own dressmaker by teaching herself how to sew. my aunt tells me that my mother's dress creations were original and classy. she'd even sew for her friends when special events were near.  her hairstyles were always on point... basically, my mom was the bomb! haiti was too small for my mom. she was an "out of the box" kinda gal and she needed to be in the states in order to hit her stride and become whatever she wanted to be... which was sadly never revealed to me.

i don't know how my mom met my dad but i do know from what she told me, she "chose" to be with him because he was poor like her. mind you, doctors were hollering at her and wanted her BAD... but she figured being with someone like her would keep her humble.  anyway, they got married and began to live life. my mom worked at a bakery/factory until she became pregnant. unfortunately, she lost that child to a miscarriage... and about five more afterward the same way. when she became pregnant with me, she left her job at the factory under doctors orders and was placed on bedrest. i was born at 32 weeks weighing a mere 3lbs and 14 ozs. two more miscarriages and led my mom to give up on her dream of having a large family. she always called me her "unique" on "l'unique" because i was her only child.

life was tough. my dad eventually informed my mom of his two older daughters who were living with their mom in haiti. that news could've detroyed my mom, but it didn't. she began to financially support the children and would eventually send for them.  my two sisters lived with me for a few years but moved out at my dad's request. why... one by one they became pregnant and my dad wasn't having it. my mom wanted them to stay and tried to get him to change his mind but he wanted the out.  now, my dad was doing his thing on the side as well. he was working at the bakery/factory where my mom worked up until she was placed on bedrest but never contributed to the household expenses. as my mom began to work as a home health aid and started to take on more than one case, he'd be doing his thing with different women. he was sloppy. my mom found out almost all the time and threw him out... seven times within a 10 year span. everytime she took him back, it was with a type of optimsism  that things would change and they'd be the happy couple they once were. NOT. to make a loooong story short, the marriage failed and another one of my mom's dreams were shattered... and she became bitter.

the miseducation of a 30 something woman begins with a bitter and resentful mother. she didn't want me to trust anyone. to her, everyone had an alterior motive. in her bitterness, she took the innocence of life away from me by trying to prevent what happened to her to happen to me. she warned me on how evil men were, how they only wanted to have sex with you and add you to their "numbers'... she told me how friends were only there to stab you in the back and that no one was really my friend except for her. not to say that there wasn't some truth to what she would tell me, but at the age of 10 or 12... i could never really understand what she wanted me to. i was way to young and immature to relate to the pain she felt but i was sensitive enough to know that she only wanted the best for her "l'unique". she lived the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" life and it was sad. don't get me wrong, my mom was a clown. she had a sense of humor that meritted its own tv show. she was fun to be with and i always enjoyed her company. but there was always a sadness in her eyes. she didn't expect to be working so hard and making little money taking care of the elderly. she didn't expect her husband to be unfaithful to her. she didn't expect family drama from her childhood to follow her into adulthood and cause issues between her and her siblings. she didn't expect to be a single parent. she experienced everything she didn't expect... and it wore her out.

she worked to give the both of us a good life. she LOVED antiques. she loved brand named items. she LOVED hats and shoes. shopping was therapy. her living room set was brought from a furniture store from back in the day called "Celini" which later became "Roma". it was an italian furniture store and she furnished the entire apartment through Roma. shit was expensive and she didn't really care. as long as she had it. it made her feel good. she took pride in her stuff. her fridge, her stove... everything was top of the line. in a way, she wanted to make up for her disappointments with "stuff" which she barely got to enjoy because she was always working and never home.

my mom suddenly passed away when i was 21. she was my best friend and her death was a blow that i've never fully recovered from. she made me depend on her for everything and when she died, i really dind't know what to do. now i was surrounded by the people she had no trust for. people who had other motives instead of my well-being. i was confused and couldn't ask her what to do next. i had to go through the family drama of the past to come to my own conclusions in order to have peace of mind. my mom died and being that i was her only child... my family was my only link to her. i had to fix this because i needed them. i needed them because they were her, and i needed her. i didn't trust them because she didn't trust them. confusion settled in and i shut them out. it was the only way that i could deal (or not deal) with what was going on. my dad had since relocated to massachussettes and had a new family. i was on my own and had to curry the burden of her anger and bitterness because i felt i could keep her struggle alive. it was a heavy burden... but thank God for His yoke. He said to hand Him my burden and i would take His yoke, which was light. it took a while  but i've been able to form my own conclusion  about her experiences and i've learned to not live her burdens.

my mom meant well in everything she did. i love her and miss her dearly. i'm learning now the things i should've learned in my 20's... but she wsn't around to teach me. do i have trust issues, yes. can i be a bit paranoid, yes. am i willing to trust... YES! am i open to love... YES! am i learning some pretty hard lessons in life... YES! am i allowing God to direct me... YES (although sometimes i get in the way). am i expecting to have better experiences than my mom did... i already have and will continue to do so. will i let go of the past and look toward a better future... YES! am i happy... YES! will i hit my stride... YES!

WILL I MAKE MY MOM PROUD... I THINK I ALREADY HAVE.