Blah

Whatever.

I love you and I'm attached to you...

What's the difference between love and attachment? I've been trying to answer this question for the past few months and I'm still having issues with it.  Trying to decipher the difference between being in love with someone and being attached to someone is pretty difficult.  I think that when there's an attachment to someone, you become used to their ways and having them around. You become so accustomed to them being around that it becomes extremely strange when something, or someone, changes things and now what once seemed normal and regular becomes foreign.

Take soap operas for instance... when a person who has played a particular character fur a while is suddenly changed, it takes time for the audience to get used to this new face. Same character, different actor. That adjustment period is filled with so much emotion...trust me, i know. When "Carly" on General Hospital was changed a fee years back, I was upset!! I immediately couldn't stand this "new Carly". I mean, who the hell is this person and where's MY "Carly"?! After a few months, I got used to this "new Carly" and continued loving my show.

While trying to find answers to my question about the difference between love and attachment, another question came to mind. Great...another question that I can't answer. What if the attachment is a part of the love...why would you separate that? It kinda makes sense...you are attached to something you love. Love...and attachment...go hand in hand. At least in my world they do.  I love you and I want to love you more... and more and I get used to loving you that I'm attached to loving you.

So, when things happen and get in the way of my love and attachment...it gets weird. Especially if there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Right now, I love. I love and I'm attached. I love, I'm attached, and unfortunately it's now become weird because something, or someone, is in the way.  What sucks more than me not being able to do anything about it is the fact that the recipient of my love and attachment... loves and is attached to something, or someone, else... and I have no choice but to eat it.

Although it's been this way for quite some time, I'm now being forced to relinquish this attachment. This is now where I need to figure out how to separate the love from the attachment.  It's hard because he's become a part of me.  It's like being forced to remove my epidermis. Lol, I'm a nursing school student...lol. That first layer of skin is there to protect you from all sorts of yucky shit. Without it, you're guaranteed to catch the infection of a lifetime. With treatments, skin grafts, and possible therapy...you can recover.  But that process... I can imagine would be a Bitch!

Slowly, I'm letting go. The love will always be there...but I have no choice but to let go. Painful, much? Yes. Will I recover? Yes. I will recover...and will love again. This time, I'm making sure that this new love and attachment will be all mine and nothing, or no one, will be able to change that.

Reflections

There comes a time in your life Where you have to be completely honest with yourself about a situation. You have to accept that, no matter how painful, some things need to be confronted...and eventually put to an end. Most our time, this goes for relationships.

This has no title

I've had it and I'm done. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. No more.

A birthday reflection

There's about an hour and a half remaining in my 33rd year. God has been very good to me this 33rd yeast of my life. I've been healthy, started nursing school, enjoyed time with my son, understood a little more about myself, undergone a bit of self defining and construction...yeah, I think it's safe to say that I learned a lot about myself this year.

I think it's also safe to say that theres so much more of myself that I need to learn. I welcome you, 34. I look forward to more self-defining moments, more improvement, more opportunities to give and receive love, graduating nursing school and starting my career, finally being on my own, providing more for my son and my family, becoming healthier, having more fun, laughing harder, becoming wiser, and anything else you might have in store for me. All good things, of course.

I believe that 34 is the magic number and that it'll be the beginning of experiencing the life I've always wanted to live. Thank you, God...

My mood in a song...

Watch "Phyllis Hyman Living all Alone (video)" on YouTube

Yeah, pretty much sums it up right now.

.........................

Kinda sad right now. This sadness has been relentlessly chasing me for a few weeks and I've fought the vulnerability of this feeling with everything in me but today... I just might have lost this fight.

I hate feeling vulnerable. You know that feeling of being on the verge  of tears...the few moments right before the first teardrop slowly crawls down your cheek...the moment when you try to stop the tears from falling by looking up....well, imagine feeling that way occasionally throughout the day or night without any real explanation as to why. And imagine those tears never actually coming out. They tingle my eyelids and somehow even cause my lips to quiver, but I refuse for those tears to come out. Pretty frustrating of a felling, but I refuse to cry. I refuse!

Whelp, I just wanted to share that moment with you. Maybe I'll take a walk before it gets too dark.

i'm restless...

One of my biggest frustrations right now is that I am in neeeeeeeed of a major change. Actually, a few major changes and I want them all at once. I want to lose weight. I want to MOVE AND GET MY OWN PLACE. As far as moving... I guess 2013 will be my year because that's when I'll be done with my program and will start working and making enough to do so. Maybe not... maybe the Good Lord Almighty will part the red seas for me before that and move me to my own place. Lord, you will get ALL the glory!!!!! If not, it's aright. I think the Lord wants me to take baby steps with stuff so I'll try to be more patient.

My weight has always been an issue for me. I mean for as long as I can remember, Ive always been the biggest girl. I hate my stomach and I've noticed that it's gotten worse since my surgery (left ovary and fallopian tube removed). I've started the healthy eating stuff but I nned to workout. That's the only way things will get better in MY eyes.

I'm restless. I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I feel as if I should be involved in something other than school and motherhood. Although those two occupations take up the majority of my time and energy... I want something else to do. I want to go out more. I want to see more. Sigh... I want a different routine. Sigh, so restless. But God is good! A restless Tish wasn't such a good thing at one time. Now, it's all positive and fun.

Pray for me.

Parent Teacher Meetings

As I sit here at my son's school waiting for this  meeting to begin, something hits me: I'm a parent!

My son is a very bright five year old who enjoys his kindergarten days. I'm proud yup say that he's at the head of his class and is reading and writing at a second grade level. "You will be the HEAD and not the tail"... I used to whisper that and many other affirmations to him as he lay on that hospital incubator. Three months in the neonatal intensive care unit due to extreme low birth weight (1lbs 6ozs). 12 longs weeks of student health scares, roller coaster rides of emotions, and lots of prayer. Heart surgery, eye surgery, intubation, infections, blood transfusions... God is so good and has been so faithful to us.

Almost six years later, I'm admiring his schoolwork posted on the walls of the hallway outside of his classroom. I see his "Student of the Month" pictures on the wall and I'm just in awe of God. There is nothing impossible for the Lord... absolutely nothing!

Lord, I thank you for the experiences of the past six years and I thank you for NEVER leaving our side. Thank you for the strength and wisdom. Please Lord, continue to guide me. Bless us with health and strength to live the rest of our lives and to do Your will. Thank you for my son, Lord. The love I have for him is unimaginable. Thank you, Jesus... Thank you.

just an observation...

As a single woman, I've noticed that most of the women who don't cook, don't clean, and are the most difficult to deal with are in relationships and the ones who bend over backward, cook, clean, have great personalities... are either single, have settled for being a side piece, our are going through a divorce. Am I bugging out? What's up with that?

i'm back... again

So much to share... where should I start? First off, hey!! How've you been? I've been alright. These past few months have been pretty interesting, to say the least. WHERE SHOULD I BEGIN?? Well, I guess I'll start with school. Yeah, your girl has been in school since July. I'm taking baby steps toward that nursing degree. Yep, nursing. Something that I've been running away from since high school. Something I could've and should've done 15 years ago, lol. It is what it is, though. There have been lots of bumps and twists in this interesting life of mine. At one point, I had absolutely no control over my life and just spiralled toward a direction that only God knows where I would've ended up. I'm still grateful for the experiences (remind me to fill you in on a few one day) because I've learned so much from them. Some lessons I feel were pretty unnecessary but they were learned none the less. By this time next year, I'll be a Practical Nurse and on my way to becomming a Registered Nurse. God has been sooooo good to me. More on this nursing school experience on another day.

My baby boy is enjoying kindergarten. SO much so that he's been named the Student of the Month TWICE this school year. He's at the head of his class and loves learning. He's an inspiration to me in soooo many ways. I thank God for him everyday and just ask that HE gives me the strength and wisdom to raise him well.

I'm back on my healthy kick. Well, I'm munching on some party mix as I'm typing this :-/
Baby steps!! Lol

Still single. Yep. And that's finally alright with me. I realize that I need to work on myself. I need to focus on my education and future career and really need to upgrade myself before I can allow anyone into my life. I'm amazing now...but will be super duper amazing once I've reached certain goals.

My heart kinda got broken last year... but I knew it was coming. Imagined it coming and how I'd handle it. Things never really happen the way you imagine, lol. What can I say? I know how I felt. Looking back, I might have gone about the entire situation the wrong way... but at the time, it was really out of my control. I never felt such strong feelings for someone so soon. Before I knew it, I was head-over-heels and had worn my "heart on my sleeves". My feelings for him were too strong too soon and so it became what it was instead of what it could've been. A TOUGH lesson learned. He's long gone now and I hope nothing but the best for him. Knowing him, he's an angel of a husband and I'm sure his wife feels like the most blessed woman on this planet. I can understand why. I pray that I can get a do-over with someone like him. The chemistry between us was undeniable. God is good... I'll be patient.

Well...I'll end it here for tonight. Enough boring stuff about my life, lol. More posts more often... I'll do my best. Thanks for listening (reading).